On Death…

The voice on the other end of the line was distraught, yet the sobs were recognizably those of one of my adult children. An individual, a father figure had gone from critical to a “comfort care” situation. When your children’s hearts are breaking, so does yours, helpless to take away the pain is in the forefront.

The first call was laced with a magnitude of denial, of course the medical professionals do not “help” the journey to reality with taking extraordinary measures under the conditions and the age of the patient. Ever costly method available to the is considered, having worked in the health care industry at one point in my life, the term “getting another day” became more than familiar. Although I cannot express enough my belief in a “Living Will”. The end results in many of these situations will be the same, only with the coffers of the industry getting fatter at the expense of a family whose frightened with the prospects of death and they agree beyond their “knowing” and maintain the denial vigil.

I do not “deny” this process to those who need the time, I have always had to deal in reality and I have never had the possibility to go through a systematic dying stage. I have confronted “anger”! No why me, but angry because the time was too short. No one is to blame, we are born dying and it is life, but I become angry with time, wasted time.

I have never tried to “bargain” with God, I tried once but Jesus did not come down and raise from his death bed the most important person in my life, my father. It will not prolong life, it is a waste of precious time with the person you love, the person that is about to leave from your realm of existence forever.

The demon depression is always there, quickly to pounce on its prey, rob senses and again precious time. I cannot say grief will get better with time, the answer to this question is in the hands of the depressed. Grief itself is an abuser and a killer, it will take you to the depths of hell and back before it will release you from its talons of doubt and angry denial.

Acceptance is an individual choice. You can chose to live life with deep and wonderful memories of life or you can accept weakness and live in a void for which there may be no return. Choices! I believe those who are passing on chose to face reality long before those who love them do.

Today, I wait for the call that will tell me suffering has ended that of my son and that of the “father” that he chose to accept rather than his own. I pray for a release from life that is no longer sustainable and a quick entry into another realm of existence. I pray for the hurt my child feels today to end, for the grieving process is much harder and lasts much longer.  There are no words to ease the pain, take away the hurt, but silently being there ready to pick up when fallen, wipe away tears, reinforce God’s plan. This is all we can hope for, that and continued prayer.

 

2014.annjohnsonmurphree  

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7 Comments

Filed under Life, Thoughts

7 responses to “On Death…

  1. Your words are very moving and spoke to me as i’m going thru a similar situation with a loved one. You write, “Grief itself is an abuser and a killer, it will take you to the depths of hell and back before it will release you from its talons of doubt and angry denial.” This is so true. There is a reason Christ says, “Be of good cheer.”

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  2. Sometimes I find and forgive me for saying so, I found when finally succumbing to grief mostly long after the fact that was my time to be alone in thoughts and remembrances. In my life when someone died, I had to be the solid one, the one to see everyone thru it and although a teenager it gave me a step outside of the box perspective…I think that time gave me a little breathing space to look at life in a different way than most…for good and sometimes bad, in my life it has helped me in many ways. It didn’t make it any easier, but gave me time to dwell on others who needed a shoulder, then later, taking the time for myself with more clarity and I have a thought as I always have that no one goes away forever, but their time here to teach me to be a better person and to try to see the world a little differently, to accept the fact that I too will someday not be here and to leave a mark on the world, no matter how large or small, it doesn’t matter, just leave that piece of me behind that says I was here…what did you take away from it….I guess that’s why I write ….through cancer I lived and I have to spread a little joy, a little love,and a hug for those who need it most. Sorry for the long winded response, if I offended, please delete this as I will take no offense.
    Someone is listening and that is me at this second and thanks for letting me speak my thoughts. Having a rough night but I hope his made sense.

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    • No offense taken, you mirrored my thoughts as I do not grieve as most…it is in silence accept in my poetry. Yet, now I need to find a new well to drink from as the poetry has me sheathed in a loneliness that is unexplainable. Your reply was not too long and I understand the “hard” nights. I would be honored to leave your comment live and would never delete. I am here if needed, a more private method if you need would be my email that I use for my writing.

      annjohnsonmurphree.author@gmail.com

      Thank you again. Ann

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  3. I have had some quiet time of my mind to go through blogs that I follow, and saw this. My grandmother passed in June. She was my only family..my love, my inspiration in life, and I too, waited for a phone call.
    Your words were beautifully touching. I never seem to think there are any words to say to someone who has gone through a loss, but I can never like something such as this. Peace and light to you and your son.

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